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Post by Otagiri Tatsuzou on Aug 26, 2005 18:26:29 GMT -5
Ten Precepts From The Art of War That Never Made It Past Sun Tzu's Editor.
BY JOHN KEARNEY
- - - - 1. When you sally forth to meet the enemy, show your contempt for him by the haughtiness of your prance. 2. Confuse your enemy with mixed metaphors. Be like the wind beneath his keel. 3. All warfare is based on deception. When the enemy draws near to you, cry out, "Look out behind you." When he turns to look behind him, attack. 4. Always keep the blades of your weapons sharp. It is the way of the ginsu. 5. Always keep the hair of your men shorn close to the scalp. Nobody likes hippies. 6. All warfare is based on deception. When the enemy draws near to you, cry out, "You spilled soup all down the front of your tunic." When he looks down at the front of his tunic, attack. 7. Never lend money to your men just before a battle. 8. Demoralize your enemy by whispering and giggling and then suddenly going silent as he draws near. When he asks what you were talking about, say, "Oh, nothing." 9. Never allow your men to paint flowers or colorful swirls on the sides of their chariots. Nobody likes hippies. 10. Confound your enemy with precepts that sound profound but actually make little or no sense. Be to him as the stallion is to the necktie.
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Yvarg
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Formerly greeneel22
Posts: 198
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Post by Yvarg on Aug 27, 2005 0:10:03 GMT -5
brilliant. i would try this if i could fight in the SCA yet =p
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Post by Otagiri Tatsuzou on Aug 27, 2005 7:19:19 GMT -5
Two Words
Sir Asad
Two more
Outland's Knight
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Post by Date Saburou Yukiie on Aug 27, 2005 11:36:48 GMT -5
1) Greasy sausage and morning combat do not mix. It is best to go to battle hungry, kill the enemy, then forage through his larder and see if he has some better breakfast...
2) In the lands and camps of the enemy, it is best to be nice to the survivors and the families of the slain...they might be damn good cooks...
3) Do not be liked the famed Uther Pendragon after the conquest of the enemy. Take off more than your obi...
4) Spears are a great tactical innovation - the Queens of battle. They let you reach out and touch someone...and they are good for carrying pigs back to camp for slow roasting...
5) A well disciplined Combat archer, or better yet, a squad of them, are great deterents and can controll an entire battle. They can also provide lots of string to dry your kimono on...
6) Before battle, tighten your helmet cords...after battle remember that you have a helmet cord on and don't try to pull your kabuto off prematurely...
7) After battle, if a pretty girl offers to help you dis-arm...let her...Hells...let anyone who offers to help you dis-arm, do so. Your fingers are likely to be thick as the sausages you should have not eaten before battle! Be polite in your directions to these helpers. They might be good cooks.
8) The battlefield is no place to do your taxes.
9) Keep track of your weapons between battles. Nothing sucks worse than being momentarilly distracted by conversation with the Gatorade bearer, then having to scramble about looking for your spear or katana. If need be, stick them in a peasant to keep track of them. When you pull your weapons out of the peasant, perform a quick chi-buri to remove any sausage bits the peasant might have eaten, not being as enlightened as the soldier.
10) In the confusion of battle, remember what tape you are wearing on your helmet. Last years tape might not be this year's tape...and embarrassing friendly fire stories are not the way to win favor with your daimyo.
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Post by Sakurai Takamori on Aug 27, 2005 20:53:32 GMT -5
Both of those earn the Snork award (so named for the sound I make when beer sprays from the nose onto the keyboard with mirth)
Curse you Date, every time I do chi-buri now, I'm gonna thing of peasants...or sausages..or both Takamori
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Saionji Shonagon
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One dreamed of becoming somebody. Another remained awake and became. (Found in a fortune cookie.)
Posts: 7,240
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Post by Saionji Shonagon on Aug 27, 2005 23:08:46 GMT -5
Because once you roll off me and fall asleep I WILL kill your inconsiderate ass with something hard, sharp and medieval. Or maybe something hard, blunt and medieval. Mimi Nashi Date? ? Oh baby, sweaty armor bits! If she's offered, she likes your pheromone bouquet. If she's wrinkling her nose and backing away, eyes widening with horror, be sure to visit the bath house. Macsen Felinfoel of the East didn't think it was a good fight unless he had a proper case of adrenalin shakes. ;D What is this obsession with pork products? Though they are guaranteed to make the pretty girls giggle and point....
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Post by Date Saburou Yukiie on Aug 28, 2005 13:29:01 GMT -5
The precepts I added are a minor compilation of thoughts that occured to me over time...None of them particularly happened during this Pennsic, but as I have a new retainer, I thought it good to pass on some of the ideas. I have an almost primordeal love for sausage, so there is a theme that falls behind some of the concepts...but as with all things moderation is the key... Of course, I am also infatuated at a visceral leval with pierohi, haluptki, and most foods except olives of any nature (though I do love cooking with olive oils) and celery, for which I am glad there are celery predators to consume it - otherwise there would be whole jungles of nasty celery at every turn that I would have to machetty through...) Mir Pua (spelling error no doubt) my hiney! Yuck! Date - omnivore extrordinair...except for celery and olives...
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Saionji Shonagon
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One dreamed of becoming somebody. Another remained awake and became. (Found in a fortune cookie.)
Posts: 7,240
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Post by Saionji Shonagon on Aug 28, 2005 15:45:08 GMT -5
How far I've travelled in three years. There was a time when I'd be wondering about you being a little old for orthodontia.
Moderation is indeed a good thing. As I write this, I'm having a between-load salad break before attacking Load 3. The Whopper With looked so tempting, but I figured salad with chicken will sit better as I take more things up those interminable stairs.
The good news is that almost all of the stuff that had to go up to the third floor is now on the third floor (except for the computer, which doesn't go for another day or so as I won't have DSL in the new place for a few days).
The bad news is there's a street fair going on in Oakland's China Town today. The most direct route from the old place to the new runs down Webster Street, which, while not blocked off, is experiencing heavy traffic, a significant portion of which is tiny Asian women in large SUV's that they don't appear to know how to operate, and throngs of people who don't know how to cross with the light. At least the last time through they'd stationed cops in the area to direct traffic.
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Post by Otagiri Tatsuzou on Aug 28, 2005 17:05:20 GMT -5
- You can pick your allies. You can pick your nose. But you cannot pick your allies' nose, even if you wear finger gauntlets.
- To refresh yourself during battle, purse your lips and drink deeply from the ample jugs of water bearers.
- Do not mount your horse from the rear.
- Warfare is the art of deception. Be two faced in dealing with your enemies and your allies. But why wear that one?
- In warfare, there is no prize for second place. The prize for first place is a giant panda bear.
- Morning margaritas do not count as rehydration.
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Saionji Shonagon
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One dreamed of becoming somebody. Another remained awake and became. (Found in a fortune cookie.)
Posts: 7,240
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Post by Saionji Shonagon on Aug 28, 2005 19:12:25 GMT -5
[/li][li]You can pick your allies. You can pick your nose. But you cannot pick your allies' nose, even if you wear finger gauntlets.[/quote] Pardon me, but EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!! And I just cleaned out a refrigerator. How the hell did we end up with eight different open jars of mustard? [/li][li]To refresh yourself during battle, purse your lips and drink deeply from the ample jugs of water bearers.[/quote] No. Comment. (Heh. I never caught one in the Cuisinart. Or on a bowstring. Boys!) [/li][li]Do not mount your horse from the rear.[/quote] You think Duke Paul hits hard? [/li][li]Warfare is the art of deception. Be two faced in dealing with your enemies and your allies. But why wear that one?[/quote] Oh, wait, [/li][li]In warfare, there is no prize for second place. The prize for first place is a giant panda bear.[/quote] But I want a pony! [/li][li]Morning margaritas do not count as rehydration. [/list][/quote] No. Comment. You cannot possibly know what went on in that Days Inn in Maryland....
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Post by Takeda Sanjuichiro on Aug 29, 2005 13:10:29 GMT -5
And I just cleaned out a refrigerator. How the hell did we end up with eight different open jars of mustard Well... 1. A jar of good stoneground mustard for brats... 2. A jar of Chinese Mustard for eggrolls 3. A jar of Gulden's for general purpose 4. A jar of Grey Puopon for those fancy things (Awesome with Monte Cristos) 5. A jar/bottle of that French's yellow of people who don't appreciate good mustard. Hmmm, I can only come up with 5... maybe the others were extras in the quest to find a decent stone-ground in your area. BTW I agree greasy sausages are not good before a monring of running around, but a nicely cooked brat... mmmmmmm
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Post by Kitadatedenka on Aug 29, 2005 13:45:20 GMT -5
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Saionji Shonagon
New Member
One dreamed of becoming somebody. Another remained awake and became. (Found in a fortune cookie.)
Posts: 7,240
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Post by Saionji Shonagon on Aug 29, 2005 13:59:57 GMT -5
Upon further reflection, it occurs to me that Gaius had a habit of picking up lunch supplies when he was going to day trip an event - probably without checking to see what we already had in the fridge. That would explain why we have three opened jars of the same brand of the same stone ground mustard and two bottles of French's.
Great. Now I'm jonesing for brats...
M.
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Post by Date Saburou Yukiie on Aug 29, 2005 14:28:12 GMT -5
Damn...Now I want Stone Ground mustards and Brats...und wienerschnitzel...und kartoffel zalad...und schnitzel!!!! Und Liebfraumilch...Und Bechs extra heavy dark needs-a-bandsaw-to-serve-a-slice!!! Err err err...I love German food! Date
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Post by Rokurou on Aug 29, 2005 18:05:05 GMT -5
1) Greasy sausage and morning combat do not mix. It is best to go to battle hungry, kill the enemy, then forage through his larder and see if he has some better breakfast... I didn't seem to have any trouble with the sausages I ate before combat. 2) In the lands and camps of the enemy, it is best to be nice to the survivors and the families of the slain...they might be damn good cooks... Yes, good cooks are hard to come by.3) Do not be liked the famed Uther Pendragon after the conquest of the enemy. Take off more than your obi... Unless you have enough obi to tie up your Kusazuri (it also works for restroom etiquette).4) Spears are a great tactical innovation - the Queens of battle. They let you reach out and touch someone...and they are good for carrying pigs back to camp for slow roasting... Yum, pig on a spit.5) A well disciplined Combat archer, or better yet, a squad of them, are great deterents and can controll an entire battle. They can also provide lots of string to dry your kimono on... And also have a great big kill ratio.6) Before battle, tighten your helmet cords...after battle remember that you have a helmet cord on and don't try to pull your kabuto off prematurely... Or just remember to bring your helmet cord. Ones lord may or may not look kindly to such forgetfullness.7) After battle, if a pretty girl offers to help you dis-arm...let her...Hells...let anyone who offers to help you dis-arm, do so. Your fingers are likely to be thick as the sausages you should have not eaten before battle! Be polite in your directions to these helpers. They might be good cooks. Yes, a pretty girl is welcome to help me dis-arm, although I don't know if she is a good cook yet (no offense to my lady, that I'm retainer to, I just haven't had the pleasure of eating her cooking).8) The battlefield is no place to do your taxes. That goes without saying. Damn IRS.9) Keep track of your weapons between battles. Nothing sucks worse than being momentarilly distracted by conversation with the Gatorade bearer, then having to scramble about looking for your spear or katana. If need be, stick them in a peasant to keep track of them. When you pull your weapons out of the peasant, perform a quick chi-buri to remove any sausage bits the peasant might have eaten, not being as enlightened as the soldier. Ones lord may not look too kindly on a retainer who is late or missplaces his lords weapon as well. Distractions happen though. ;D10) In the confusion of battle, remember what tape you are wearing on your helmet. Last years tape might not be this year's tape...and embarrassing friendly fire stories are not the way to win favor with your daimyo. Mine has already been taken off, so that my helm is not marred by said tape. A helm should be clean and highly polished as to blind your opponent.
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